Care home couples talk: Attraction, romance and longevity of love

What did you find attractive about your partner? If you ask 92-year-old Maurice Laws and his wife Dorothy, their responses are mixed.

Jim and Jean Retter (on left) have been together for almost 70 years

 

 

Maurice gamely says: “Everything!” But 93-year-old Dorothy is a little more coy with her words: “I can’t explain it goodness!”

He is quick to say Dorothy is not backward in coming forward, explaining: “We were about 24 when we first met. Well, we were in the tennis club. I was sitting on the table of the tennis club foyer and she said: ‘Oh, he’s interesting!’”

 

Cider with Dorothy

Mr and Mrs Laws both live at Rugby’s Anya Court Care Home. Describing their first date, Dorothy says: “We used to go in the local pub. We would drink cider.” “Yes” says Maurice, thinking back fondly.

Dorothy and Maurice Laws Credit: Maurice Laws

When it comes to a marriage proposal, she says: “I don’t think he ever did. It just happened.” Perhaps indicative of an age when marriage was the expected result of a courtship, she adds: “We took it for granted.”

Her husband confesses: “It wasn’t so straight forward. I ought to explain that I got a scholarship to a university in America.

“I’m going for two years to America and at that point we decided we would get married when I came back.” Maurice studied engineering and plasticity at Brown University. When Maurice returned two years later, they were married in 1952.

“We’ve been all over the world”, he says. To the question of how they managed to keep the romance going after living with each other for 50 years, Maurice turns to his wife to ask: “How do you manage to put up with me, Dorothy?” She replies matter-of-factly: “Because he puts up with me.”

His Valentine’s card made ‘years of waiting worthwhile’

While rekindling the romance in a relationship can be tricky as the years roll by, one woman says her husband’s care home helped put the spark back in their relationship.

The woman’s husband lives at Roseacres Residential Care Home. She decided to write a care home review on carehome.co.uk to express her appreciation to the home, upon receiving her first ever Valentine’s Card from her husband – after 55 years of marriage.

Her review, sent the day after Valentine’ Day last year, goes like this: ‘I would like to express my gratitude for the care and attention he has received since his arrival. The staff have been nothing but courteous and kind to both him and my family. The standards in the home are excellent.

‘I would like to add that in 55 years of marriage, I have just received a Valentine’s card for the first time, made by him in one of the activity classes. It has made all the years of waiting for one worthwhile.’

’Being kept on the ball and chain’

Meanwhile, one 91-year-old man reveals the secret to his happy marriage lasting 70 years and has no qualms about his on-going role in their relationship. Richard Hills says the secret is to be “kept on the ball and chain” and simply “let the wife be the boss”.

Richard and Joan Hills Credit: Richard Hills

Seventy years ago, Richard married Joan on Christmas Day. Wife Joan says: “Richard has never been one to quarrel or lose his temper and is calm in every situation. It is simply not in his nature to bite back.”

The couple were almost inseparable since meeting as teenagers but began living apart last April after Joan, 89, moved into Andover’s Harrier Grange Care Home, because Richard could no longer care for her at their home.

Richard visits Joan nearly every day at the care home. The couple have two sons, four grandchildren and five great-grandchildren. He says: “We wanted to give our children the best lives possible, which has helped to keep our relationship strong.” While many elderly couples like Richard and Joan live apart because one is in a care home, many homes celebrate these enduring relationships.

This Valentine’s Day, love will be in the air, literally, with residents from Tadley’s Barchester Cherry Blossom Manor, commemorating love by releasing balloons into the sky to remember loved ones who have died.

 

 

Love at first sight

John, 89, and his wife Mary Forbat have been together for more than 64 years and live at Sunrise of Weybridge care home. Mary, who celebrates her 89th birthday on 6 February, confesses she fell in love at first sight when they met at 16-years-old. Mary was attracted to John because of “his kind ways” and John loved Mary’s “fresh-faced look” and “her warmth”.

Jim and Jean Retter have been together for almost 70 years and married for 65 of them. Both live at Sunrise of Winchester. First meeting in their early twenties, Mr Retter says it was Jean’s attitude that first cast a spell over him all those years ago. Jim says he was attracted to “her attitude” adding “she is so lively and interesting”.

“Any decision she makes is always the right decision”. Sadly Jean, who has Alzheimer’s, no longer recalls many of their memories together but still remembers who Jim is.

John and Mary Forbat. Credit: John Forbat

He says: “Jean depends much more” on him now. He says the most difficult aspect of Jean’s dementia is knowing what they used to do together but now can’t. After sharing “lots of mutual interests”, he now struggles to bridge “the mental distance between them”.

Another couple, together for 69 years, say the best thing about living together at Sunrise of Winchester care home is their ability to “help each other”. Thomas and Judith Konrad love exercising together in the home’s group classes and enjoy playing Scrabble together.

The Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh are among the couples celebrating the longevity of their love with a 70th wedding anniversary but care home couples have given telling answers about what makes a long partnership. While Richard Hills felt being kept on the ball and chain and family life was key, Mr and Mrs Laws said the ability to “put up with” each other was crucial.

 

 

 

 

What is love?

Dorothy Laws says the secret to her successful relationship with Maurice is “Patience and understanding” – vital characteristics she believes one should look for in a partner.

To the question What is love? Dorothy says: “Impossible to describe. You feel good. That’s it!” Maurice adds: “It makes you feel happy. Love, it’s a funny word. I would use an innate word like rapport. “You could just look at somebody and you can tell what they’re thinking. That’s love.”

With many people today on dating apps like Tinder and busy on mobiles swiping photos of faces to the left or right, Maurice recalls his own courting style. “We wrote to each other, particularly when I was away in America for two years. We wrote every week. That was the equivalent to our telephone. We used to re-read our letters. We still have them.”

So what advice would Maurice give people looking for love today? He says: “I suppose it just happens. You don’t analyse everything you’re doing. It’s a funny question. Every day matters. That’s what it amounts to. It’s almost instinctive. ‘Go with the flow’, if you want to use a modern expression.”

‘Start listening’ and let care homes ease winter pressures on NHS

Credit: Sondem/Shutterstock

Severe pressures in hospitals this winter has seen thousands of operations cancelled, causing social care leaders to urge NHS bosses to ‘start listening’ and let care homes do more to help.

Elderly people are among those who are most at risk of illnesses such as flu during the winter months. NHS England has said hospitals, GPs, ambulances and other NHS services have been extremely busy between Christmas and New Year and have reported higher levels of respiratory illness and flu.

In the final week of 2017, the NHS 111 helpline received more than 480,000 calls.

Martin Green, chief executive of Care England, which represents independent care home providers, said: “The NHS Acute Trusts could significantly reduce winter pressures by establishing long-term relationships with independent care providers. The care sector has been saying this for years and yet again the NHS has not listened and is in yet another crisis”.

Almost 5,000 people left waiting in ambulances

Health secretary Jeremy Hunt apologised to patients following a decision to postpone tens of thousands of operations in January because the NHS is struggling to cope with a surge in patients this winter.

Non-urgent treatments had already been cancelled until mid-January, but this has now been extended to the end of the month.

Handover delays outside A&E departments stop ambulances from getting to new emergencies. The handover of patient by ambulances at A&E departments is supposed to take no more than 15 minutes.

Almost 5,000 people were left waiting in ambulances outside A&E departments for one hour in the last week of December, as 12 hospital trusts revealed they had no beds free. These health trusts were operating at 100 per cent, well above the recommended 85 per cent.

‘Elderly lady slumped in a chair the whole night’

Karen Huisman’s 86-year-old father in Northern Ireland has a chest infection but had to wait more than 26 hours for a hospital bed. She says: “There were people on the floor, there were people sitting on chairs, most of them were elderly. There was an elderly lady that I remember very vividly who was slumped in a chair in her night dress the whole night. No one came near her. No one even put a blanket around her.”

A&E staff can’t move patients out of their department and onto hospital wards, because hospitals can’t discharge patients from their wards into the community. Shropshire County Council is working with care homes to ensure patients don’t stay in hospital any longer than necessary. The council is working to cut the number of patients delayed in hospital, known as a Delayed Transfer of Care (DToC).

At the end of December, Shropshire’s A&E departments got hospital staff from other wards to help with the volume of emergency patients it received and had already commissioned extra beds in care homes, which are block purchased to ensure they are there when needed.

‘Patchy picture’ across England says NCA

The Shropshire-based care home The Uplands offers nursing and specialist dementia care. It is run by Marches Care and has been drafted in to help this winter. Mandy Thorn, the managing director of Marches Care and vice-chair of the National Care Association (NCA), which is made up of small-and medium-sized care providers says: “If care homes were more involved in local winter planning, which is actually a year-round issue, we would probably see less of a problem with DToC.”

She believes this would be possible if they are “engaged early enough and sensible and respectful contract discussions take place – around block contracts at a price that reflects the additional support that short-term admissions require.”

She says when it comes to care homes being used to address winter pressures it’s “a patchy picture across the country”.

“Smaller independent providers are not always considered when local authorities and CCGs get together to discuss their response to winter pressures. When health and care professionals get together to respond to hospital bed pressures, not every local area takes into account the residential and nursing beds that may be available.”

Care homes see people return home within two weeks

Credit: Alexander Raths/ Shutterstock

At The Uplands, her 81-bed care home in Shrewsbury, there are 15 short-term beds available for either Discharge to Access (D2A) or rehabilitation. Ms Thorne says the majority of people coming from hospital into a care home into a D2A bed, then either go home or enter a lower form of long term care. “When in hospital you are not in a setting where you are necessarily encouraged to mobilise and to be independent. In a care home, people are given time, their own room, encouraged to get up and get dressed. It’s not about keeping people in a care home. We have seen people requiring only a couple of weeks to get well enough to go to their own homes.

“These services can’t be provided with spot contracts. Locally, Shropshire Council offers block contracts. Their innovations in relation to the use of care homes to reduce DToC should be adopted by other councils.”

According to figures from the Institute of Public Care, from April 2012 and April 2017, the number of care home beds available fell by 3,769. Add to this a major staff retention and recruitment problem in the care sector and the country’s ability to respond to a winter NHS crisis gets more challenging.

Responding to criticism from the care sector that some care homes’ beds are ignored in different parts of the country, Colin Noble, the leader of Suffolk council and health and social care spokesman for the County Councils Network, (made up of 27 county councils and 10 unitary councils), told carehome.co.uk: “I think it comes down to market intelligence.

“Every single day we are working with every single care home. It’s a question of how much of a silo between CCGs [Clinical Commissioning Groups] and councils exists in an area. Local authorities know all of their care homes but that’s not always the case for CCGs.

“It’s a matter of CCGs using the council’s market intelligence about care homes.”

Care staff get greater job satisfaction

On 4 January, Prime Minister Theresa May denied the health service was in crisis saying: “The NHS has been better prepared for this winter than ever before.” But in the midst of challenges facing the NHS and social care, the managing director of Marches Care is sure about the silver-lining opportunities that exist, that would make it less of a bleak mid-winter for all concerned.

Ms Thorne puts it simply. “Staff in my care home report increased job satisfaction because they see people admitted to us from hospital needing significant support who then leave to go home after a couple of weeks because they are well enough to return to their own homes.

“Long-term residents have also benefited because they can interact with a wider variety of people who come into the care home, and who by seeing people get better and go home they can be more motivated to do more themselves.”

Lottery winner to keep job as she ‘loves working in a care home’

A care worker, who won a £1m on the Lotto, has revealed she plans to keep her job as she “loves” working in a care home.

Robert and Patricia Aldridge. Credit: The National Lottery

Patricia Aldridge, from Wexham, near Slough, won the money with her husband Robert, 57, on the Lotto draw on 9 December.

The 55-year-old, who even worked a 12 hour shift on Christmas Day, after her big win, said: “I have got no plans to give up work. I love what I do”.

Patricia was on a break at work and signed into her National Lottery account to play EuroMillions and check the Lotto results when she saw a message telling her she’d won on a Lotto Lucky Dip. The mum of three said: “I was chuffed to see I’d won on a Lucky Dip but just underneath that message I spotted a slightly more exciting one which said I’d also won £1,000,000 on Lotto and to call Camelot. It’s certainly not your average Tuesday email.

“When I rang Robert I told him to pull over, there was nothing wrong but he needed to pull over. Thankfully he did promptly and I told him I’d won on a Lucky Dip to which he replied ‘why get me to pull over for that?’, which is when I then told him ‘I think I’ve also won £1,000,000.’ It was certainly one of our craziest conversations!”

Robert headed straight to Patricia’s work where she ran out to meet him and call Camelot from the car. Patricia said: “I was convinced it was a hoax so when the lady at the National Lottery Line confirmed I was a winner I couldn’t stop giggling, I just didn’t know what else to do. I can’t imagine what anyone who saw us must have thought as we were both sitting in the car giggling but it’s not every day you win £1,000,000.

“Once I’d composed myself I went back to work to finish my shift without telling anyone we’d just become millionaires.”

That evening Robert and Patricia told their three children who are all in their twenties, the good news.

The couple have had a few sad Christmases lately and so they “hope that this win heralds a new and happier season of joy”.

“We lost both my parents three months apart just before Christmas a few years ago so it’s been hard to celebrate, then last year we all decided we’d make an effort again only to lose my brother to heart failure on Christmas Eve,” said Patricia.

“If I’m honest, following our loss last Christmas I really was beginning to think we were cursed for Christmas, but it seems that maybe our luck has now turned. This win doesn’t bring our loved ones back but it does mean we can help out our nearest and dearest and that’s a Christmas gift anyone would want.”

She added: “Neither of us plan to give up work just yet but it’s nice knowing we have the security to take things easier when, and if, we need to.

“We’ll definitely look for a new home but to be honest, we’d already started to think about moving to a place with an annexe so Robert’s parents could live with us. This win just means that house and annexe could be a bit swankier than originally planned!”

They have however already bought a new car. “Just a few weeks ago we’d decided we needed to change our car, it’s 14 years old and things are starting to go wrong on it. Suddenly that rather considered decision can now take place without too much concern for the financing so we’ve already test driven and ordered a new Nissan X Trail which we should have by Friday.”

Her husband Robert described the win as “life-changing” and said: “We just know our children are secure now. That is the best thing about it.”

The couple have bought a ticket every week for the last 23 years.